Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, 5Jul06
Off the top of my head, the worst band name in decades. Where’s Anus the Menace when you need them? Sorry, that was a flagrant/cheap effort at starting this one with a light jab since I suspect Chip, Jimmy and Reid will all give thumbs down to New Porn. But fuck them. The New Porn is ear candy pop delight. Ilikeitalot.
2. Eminem, “The Kiss”
I have this great idea! On my next album, I’m going to include short interludes between songs. These interludes won’t be songs, but short, hypothetical skits that will tell people what my life is like while also entertaining them, which is what the people want.
Don’t count on it. Music philanthropists, I beg of you to donate to my new charity, Stop Hip Hop Skits Now Because They Are All Trite and Childish. Thank you.
3. “The John Larroquette Show Theme Song”
What a man, and what a show.
Ridonkeylious! I have got to delete these damn things. I’m not kidding when I say this sounds like a mentally handicapped person (not you, Chip) mumbling gibberish over a jazzy, Nightcourtish number. When John Larroquette asks his assistant (a.k.a. himself) to google himself this week, he’ll be disappointed to see it’s on “In the Mix,” but he brought that on himself.
Anyone know what Markie Post is up to???
4. The Who, “Courtroom Scene”
Because it’s a rock opera, this isn’t necessarily a skit per se. I propose an “In the Mix” exception in which skits can be excluded if and when they shuffle in. I can’t be held responsible for the lame indulgences of music stars.
If my trip hop album ever gets released, it will contain one skit whose sole purpose will be to rail against skits. Also, it will rhyme and be spoken rhythmically. I will call it a “song.”
5. Dizzee Rascal, “Hype Talk”
ODB was born to rap grime. Yet another regret for his premature passing. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t… I’m sorry, I can’t go on.
6. Spoon, “Merchants of Soul”
I can feel Chip hating on my ‘Pod. Thank gravy we don’t live in the same city anymore. I’m going to try to distract him with my favorite Jack Bauer line from last season: “The only reason you’re still conscious is because I don’t want to carry you.”
7. Unwound, “Corpse Pose”
A blessing from Reid. This song or band isn’t nearly as death metal as their names imply. In fact, “Corpse Pose” includes instructions on how to make your corpse as presentably pretty as possible. Some tips:
* Because your hair and fingernails continue to grow, you should cut them everyday, else they will grow grotesquely long. This is especially true for the hair growing out of moles.
* Don’t stop bathing daily just because you’re old, you never leave the house, and it’s difficult for you to step into the tub. Stop being so selfish. Stinkiness is plenty of reason to keep you out of your beloved heaven.
* When you’re old enough that no one cares how you look, get a boob job. It couldn’t hurt.
8. John Lennon, “Move Over Ms. L”
Is dude talking about Jimmy’s mom? Dude best cut that shizzle out unless dude wants to get sho—
Oh, right. Sorry.
9. The Jackson 5, “Mama’s Pearl”
Has anyone written a biography of Michael Jackson entitled Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness? Can I get dibs on that? The sequel will be Money Will Buy A Short-Lived Marriage to Lisa Marie Presley.
10. Gorillaz, “Dracula”
This has gotta be Milty’s whackest "In the Mix" shufflelog to date. It’s amazing how much better the 2nd Gorillaz album is than the 1st. Kind of like WWI v. WWII.