Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, July 17, 2006
First things first, I love the De La, think is Dead is one of the best albums (rap or regular) ever, and think the AOI albums are underrated.
On to business. Recently, Dr. von Fünkdoctorspock started a non-ethnic cleansing project for his ‘Pod. The object was to delete all the short, nothing, filler tracks artists think us idiotic consumers want to hear. Needless to say, hip hop skits were the first to go. No one was spared: not Outkast, not the Wu, and certainly not the most egregious offender of them all, Eminem (hey, knucklehead, what interest could I possible have in listening to your answering machine recordings?). Sorry, De La, but am I honestly to believe weed is still funny? Sorry, bud it’s not. Obviously I haven’t finished this epic project… yet.
2. The Darkness – “Givin’ Up,” from Permission to Land
I liked this album when it came out and listened to it a few times. Haven’t since and had no interest in their sophomore slump. I wonder what a band who pilfers classic hard rock would sound like if they had legs.
Pretty much sums it up.
3. John Coltrane – “Giant Steps,” from The Heavyweight Champion
And people thought rappers started the whole toot-your-own-horn thing. Nice (and more importantly, apt) album title. There’s nothing worse than people who hype themselves, unless the hype is warranted, which is why Milty
a. thinks Kanye is a-okay
b. often says, “Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock is like a Nobel Prize and a Pulitzer times fifteen!”
4. The Clash – “The Guns of Brixton,” from London Calling
I never much cared for the song “London Calling.” Still, Reid insisted I hear the album. “If you don’t like it,” he said, “my toothless cousin will service your business. If you do like it, your toothless cousin has to blow bubbles, bubbles being my member’s nickname.”
Would you believe my toothless cousin refuses to settle our bet? What a rocktacular album.
5. Bruce Springsteen – “Sinaloa Cowboys,” from The Ghost of Tom Joad
Is this really the same guy who made albums called Human Touch and Tunnel of Love? This one’s to be filed under “Springsteen-Good.”
6. Cat Power – “Speak For Me,” from You Are Free
On the one hand, I’d like to date her because she’s a hot rock star. On the other hand, supposedly her marble collection is occasionally lacking. But I ask you, “Aren’t all girls a little nuts in their own special way?” And that’s why we love them, right?
7. Guns N’Roses – “Pretty Tied Up,” from Use Your Illusion II
Explain to me how there hasn’t been an Axl Rose reality show yet.
In related news, I should be a network exec.
8. Rage Against the Machine – “Kick Out the Jams,” from Renegades
Some advice: if your band’s on its last legs, don’t release a covers album. If you have to ask why, it’s no surprise your band is breaking up.
Isn’t Audioslave audio-awful?
9. The Raveonettes – “You Say You Lie,” from Pretty in Black
The good doctor developed a live relativity rating defined as the ratio of the quality of a band’s album to the quality of its live show. The Raveonettes got the lowest score.
10. The Fiery Furnaces – “Rehearsing My Choir,” from Rehearsing My Choir
This is the second all-time best concept album about and featuring a brother and sister’s grandmother. The best? Milton and Sarah von Fünkdoctorspock’s Our Grandma’s Carpet Does Match Her Curtains: They’re Both Silk! It was about our grandma’s career in home decoration. It rocked.