Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 8, 2006
Mrs. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock has never had an orgasm, but Milt’s had two: one for little Rickee, and the other for tiny Jemina. Isn’t Catholicism beautiful?
2. Sonic Youth – “Needle-Gun,” from Ciccone Youth: The Whitey Album
Milton lucked into winning tix to see these youngsters play a 400+ capacity club last weekend. Nary a group in all the land has ever put out such good music for such a long time. 25 years, kids. Inspirational. Even if my lord and savior Jesus Christ was in a band, unless they started the hot rockin’ when he was 8 they couldn’t have lasted that long, what with the crucifixion thing. Advantage: Sonic Youth!
3. Frank Black – “Don’t Ya Rile Em,” from Frank Black
How big do you think Frank Black’s house is? He was in a huge alternative rock group fifteen years ago and has a steadily modest solo career. Of course, I mean before the reunion $$$....
4. The Strokes – “What Ever Happened?,” from Room on Fire
At least twice a year my daily trip to the confessional includes this one: “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I wish I was handsome and in a rock group. I wish I was a Stroke.”
Envy is an ugly disease.
5. Sleater-Kinney – “A Quarter to Three,” from The Hot Rock
Jimmy, can you pass me a tissue? If you didn’t see these gals before they hung up their guitars and drumsticks, Milt feels sorry for you. If one was to take the geometric mean of the talent of the members of every band ever, S-K would have the highest mean. In a word: fierce. They will be missed.
6. Talking Heads – “With Our Love,” from More Songs About Buildings and Food
Am I mistaken, or shouldn’t this album be a lot higher on magazine’s lists of the Top 100 Rock Albums of All Time? No, Milt’s never mistaken.
7. Stevie Wonder – “He’s Misstra Know It All,” from Innervisions
He was blind, for heaven’s sake! JC does work miracles!
8. TV Themes – “The Late Show With David Letterman,” from Television’s Greatest Hits
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you know Milt’s not cheating with his shufflelog.
9. Sleater-Kinney – “Funeral Song,” from One Beat
Holy fucking karma!
It’s just an “indefinite hiatus.” They can still come back. Right, God? You wouldn’t take S-K away from us forever, would you? Hello? Is anyone up there?
10. The Magnetic Fields – “Reno Dakota,” from 69 Love Songs Vol. 1
If God created Man in his image, and if sex is about the best damned thing man can partake in, who does God have sex with? I don’t know, but I bet she’s smokin’ hot!