Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, October 19, 2006
When Milty was younger, he was very concerned that age and being lame were proportionally related. “I will do everything in my power to not someday drool over smooth jazz,” he once ruminated, “but I make no guarantees, as such transformations run rampant.” Turns out he’s only grown more enamored with popular music, which he can live with because it’s just so durned likable. It is called “popular” for a reason….
2. Pavement – “Loretta’s Scars,” from Slanted & Enchanted
Would it be ridiculous to call them the pop gods of indie rock? Milt thinks not, and to stress: not a bad thing. There’s no scenario in which they hit it big, but dammitalltohell if it’s not fine dining from start to finish, often catchy as all get-out. He’s said it before and he’ll say it again, but if the good doctor could carve a rock niche, Pavement’s some sexy sorbet.
3. Islands – “Jogging Gorgeous Summer,” from Return to the Sea
This album has the funniest song title of the year: “Don’t Call me Whitney, Bobby.” I heard for Bobby’s last birthday Whitney only gave him a private performance of “The Greatest Love of All.” It’s no wonder she’s single again. Inconsiderate bitch. What about Bobby’s needs?
Hey, this sounds kind of like The Unicorns!
4. Johnny Cash – “All Over Again,” from The Essential Johnny Cash
Every man, woman, child and goat should have an essentials collection. What’s essential in your life? That thimble you used to knit grandma’s glow-in-the-dark shawl? The goldfish bowl you made out of your mother’s edible panties? The bike chain you used to commit that hate crime? Each and every one of us is special in our own special way. Except you, Chip. You’re pretty ordinary.
5. Sonic Youth – “Burning Spear,” from Live in Holland 12/27/83
Rather Ripped and Return to Cookie Mountain are currently in a fierce battle for Album o’ ’06. No act has put out such high quality music 25 years after their inception as SY. But we do still miss Bob Bert.
6. Bob Dylan – “I am a Lonesome Hobo,” from John Wesley Harding
No you’re not, Bob. You’s filthy rich up to yo’ neck in the puss’, two things hobos decidedly are not. Wise up. Sucka.
I think the musical talents of harmonica players are overrated. It’s so small. And they just have to blow through it. There’s a reason it’s the instrument of choice for hobos.
7. Whiskeytown – “Turn Around,” from Strangers Almanac
Not only was Ryan Adams that guy who broke out his guitar at college parties to wow the ladies, he was that guy who would do it and play only original songs. And it would work. Every time! With the hottest women! Milt only hated those guys because he couldn’t do it himself….
8. The Velvet Underground – “Head Held High,” from Loaded: Peel Slowly and See
I’d go to a VU reunion show. Could they swing that? Are too many people dead?
9. Superchunk – “Slack Motherfucker,” from Tossing Seeds
Been heavily rotated of late because the good doctor done got him some tix to The Daily Show presents 'Ten F#@king Years (The Concert),’ featuring Superchunk. Honestly, wouldn’t be mad if Craigers (a.k.a. Kilby) showed up.
10. Mos Def – “The Rape Over,” from The New Danger
Yeah, Milt was disappointed by Danger, what of it? The hard rock shit sounds like a shitty hard rock band. Like Incubus. Milt can take getting lame with age as long as it doesn’t include listening to Staind.