Thursday, October 19, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, October 19, 2006

1. The Unicorns – “Inoculate the Innocuous,” from Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone?

When Milty was younger, he was very concerned that age and being lame were proportionally related. “I will do everything in my power to not someday drool over smooth jazz,” he once ruminated, “but I make no guarantees, as such transformations run rampant.” Turns out he’s only grown more enamored with popular music, which he can live with because it’s just so durned likable. It is called “popular” for a reason….

2. Pavement – “Loretta’s Scars,” from Slanted & Enchanted

Would it be ridiculous to call them the pop gods of indie rock? Milt thinks not, and to stress: not a bad thing. There’s no scenario in which they hit it big, but dammitalltohell if it’s not fine dining from start to finish, often catchy as all get-out. He’s said it before and he’ll say it again, but if the good doctor could carve a rock niche, Pavement’s some sexy sorbet.

3. Islands – “Jogging Gorgeous Summer,” from Return to the Sea

This album has the funniest song title of the year: “Don’t Call me Whitney, Bobby.” I heard for Bobby’s last birthday Whitney only gave him a private performance of “The Greatest Love of All.” It’s no wonder she’s single again. Inconsiderate bitch. What about Bobby’s needs?

Hey, this sounds kind of like The Unicorns!

4. Johnny Cash – “All Over Again,” from The Essential Johnny Cash

Every man, woman, child and goat should have an essentials collection. What’s essential in your life? That thimble you used to knit grandma’s glow-in-the-dark shawl? The goldfish bowl you made out of your mother’s edible panties? The bike chain you used to commit that hate crime? Each and every one of us is special in our own special way. Except you, Chip. You’re pretty ordinary.

5. Sonic Youth – “Burning Spear,” from Live in Holland 12/27/83

Rather Ripped and Return to Cookie Mountain are currently in a fierce battle for Album o’ ’06. No act has put out such high quality music 25 years after their inception as SY. But we do still miss Bob Bert.

6. Bob Dylan – “I am a Lonesome Hobo,” from John Wesley Harding

No you’re not, Bob. You’s filthy rich up to yo’ neck in the puss’, two things hobos decidedly are not. Wise up. Sucka.

I think the musical talents of harmonica players are overrated. It’s so small. And they just have to blow through it. There’s a reason it’s the instrument of choice for hobos.

7. Whiskeytown – “Turn Around,” from Strangers Almanac

Not only was Ryan Adams that guy who broke out his guitar at college parties to wow the ladies, he was that guy who would do it and play only original songs. And it would work. Every time! With the hottest women! Milt only hated those guys because he couldn’t do it himself….

8. The Velvet Underground – “Head Held High,” from Loaded: Peel Slowly and See

I’d go to a VU reunion show. Could they swing that? Are too many people dead?

9. Superchunk – “Slack Motherfucker,” from Tossing Seeds

Been heavily rotated of late because the good doctor done got him some tix to The Daily Show presents 'Ten F#@king Years (The Concert),’ featuring Superchunk. Honestly, wouldn’t be mad if Craigers (a.k.a. Kilby) showed up.

10. Mos Def – “The Rape Over,” from The New Danger

Yeah, Milt was disappointed by Danger, what of it? The hard rock shit sounds like a shitty hard rock band. Like Incubus. Milt can take getting lame with age as long as it doesn’t include listening to Staind.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, October 2, 2006

1. Helmet – “Better,” from Meantime

How appropriate. Junk, Jimmy and Milty have a high school reunion forthcoming, and this album was in heavy rotation back when we owned the halls of NCHS. The good doctor won’t say which of us got a Helmet tattoo next to his loins, but it was Jimmy. Anxious to see which of our classmates have flamed out like Helmet did post Betty. They will be made fun of, as will most everyone else.

2. The Buggles – “Video Killed the Radio Star,” from Milt’s 80’s Cheese Rock Mix

As frightening as it is to think about what the DJ might pull out for us to relive the early to mid-nineties, god bless us for not HSing it in the eighties. Even though it was a later release, if “Hey Ya” isn’t played the reunion’s a wash. There, I said it, and it’s what we were all thinking.

3. Stereolab – “Jenny Ondioline,” from Transient Random-Noise Burts

At a reunion-like setting where one hasn’t seen people in a long time but in a roundabout way still knows them, it’s impossible not to ask one’s self the following question: “How many dances before I can appropriately ask to finger bang my partner on the dance floor?” The answer is, of course, three.*

* Unless the song is over 15 minutes long, in which case the answer is one, and in which case Milt will be requesting this Stereolab gem again and again and again.

4. Tool – “Pushit,” from Ænima

Milt doesn’t often make guarantees. Milt guarantees Tool’s “Pushit” is not played at his high school reunion. Salt ‘n Pepa’s maybe, but Tool’s? Negative.

5. Elvis Costello & the Attractions – “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?”

Elvis is one of them folks who Milt hopes goes to all his high school reunions, because no way was he not a huge geek in high school, and no way is he not the coolest kid to graduate from his high school. Kind of reminds Milt of Milt….

6. Pearl Jam – “Come Back,” from Pearl Jam

No way does PJ go to their reunion. But if they did, Eddie Vedder could mos def finger bang the girl(s) of his choice on the first dance.

7. Elliott Smith – “Wouldn’t Mama Be Proud,” from Figure 8

Depression rate is inversely proportional to reunion attendance rate. Another no for Elliott, who by the by was one of the first artists the good doctor got into after high school, nicely representing the mellowification that occurred for him at that time.

8. Django Reinhardt – “I Got Rhythm,” from Swing from Paris

Django was totally that guy who was always noodling on his guitar, making all the other guys want to punch him because they thought he was just showing off for the ladies.

9. Seu Jorge – “Samba que nem Rita à Dora,” from Samba Esporte Fino

Milt saw him just last week filming something in Times Square. That is in no way related to high school reunions. You’re welcome.

10. Van Morrison – “Crazy Love,” from Moondance

Will there be a lot of slow dancing at this thing? High school dances had a disproportionate amount of slow dancing since those were the only dances guys had the balls to dance (i.e. finger bang) to. And do people wear name tags? It has been ten years. The good doctor will need to practice his sneaking-a-peak-at-a-nametag-without-making-it-look-like-he’s-sneaking-a-peak-at-a-nametag maneuver.