Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 30, 2006

The good doctor doesn't mean to brag, he doesn't mean to boast, he doesn't mean to imply he's intercontinental when he eats french toast, but it should be noted that his music 'Pod holds (and is, in fact, currently holding) 60 GB of 'sic. Which begs the following question:

If Milt's 'Pod was smaller, what would and would not make the cut?

Today's shufflelog will answer that question. Each song will be rated based on the smallest 'Pod the good doctor would include it on. Options include:

60 GB (15,000 songs), 30 GB, 4 GB Mini, 1 GB Nano, 512 kb Shuffle

1. The Streets – "Turn the Page," from Original Pirate Material

30 GB 'Pod: Milty grew up in Indiana, which means his finger wasn't exactly on the hip hop pulse, which means The Streets should feel proud to make a smaller 'Pod. Good job, Streets!

2. Pavement – "Passat Dream," from Brighten the Corners

30 GB 'Pod, and only because this album's fairly low on the Pavement totem pole. Smaller 'Pods kill catalogs, and the smallest prevent full albums unless you regularly rotate its contents, which no one wants to have to do.

3. Love – "Everybody's Got to Live," from How to Kill the DJ (Part 2)

Got damn this is eerie (specifically the song title) given Arthur Lee's recent leukemia diagnosis. Some writer-type up in these parts (these parts being NYC) went to 31 shows in 30 days for an article in The Village Voice. He said Robert Plant at the Arthur Lee benefit was the best act he saw that whole month. Good mix. 30 GB.

Speaking of DJ mixeration, check Girl Talk, people. It's approximately 714 songs spun into one.

4. Dave Matthews Band – "Granny," from Live at Luther College

Chip, Junk and Jimmy all highly recommended Dave to me. Sorry, guys. 7,000 MB 'Pod of the future (on shelves fall 2042 and the size of an acorn (also, it is shaped to look like an acorn for theft detterent reasons)).

5. Wu-Tang Clan – "Second Coming," from Forever

30 GB: Generally, Wu release date is directly proportion to 'Pod size worthiness. This toes the line. Weaker track from the 2LP blowout.

6. The Simpsons – "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds," from Songs in the Key of Springfield

60 GB: See, people? Sixty allows for sweet, sweet indulgences courtesy of Mr. Booooo-urns.

7. N.W.A. – "I Ain't Tha 1," from Straight Outta Compton

4 GB: Do you think Easy-E lost some of his "attitude" after he got the AIDS? Milt hopes so. He hates to think that talented young man died so young and so angry.

8. The Beatles – "Julia," from The White Album

1 GB: The White Album has always been Milt's coloured album of choice, which concerns him because it might mean he's racist, which isn't true. He only hates Mexicans of any color.

9. Nirvana – "Black and White Blues," from Outcesticide 4

60 GB: If I die early, promise you'll all scour my life's work and try to publish all of it. Even the limerick I wrote about spending time in Nantucket with my second grade teacher Mrs. Grangus. I meant every word of it.

10. Wu-Tang Clan – "Maria," from Forever

4 GB: This verse by ODB really speaks to the good doctor:

This is dedicated to all you bitches
Knew this bitch named Traj,
she had a hella fine assCandy-ass,
blew my hole in the past
Niggarette gave me gonorrhea
Pussy dick to the tippy toe like ballerina
Boy you shoulda seen her
She had a babyface creamer Purinas
Called up talkin Tina
I put my dick in a broom
She blew my head like a balloon
I had her walkin on the moon

Milt's dick is often in a broom. It feels nice... as long as you've got the right broom.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 16, 2006

1. TV on the Radio – “I Was a Lover,” from Return to Cookie Mountain

Now’s as good a time as any: my days here at “In the Mix” may be numbered. You see, my faithful readers and readerettes, Milt’s star is a star on the rise, and with his music video debut set to splash any day now, his trajectory is best described as “meteoric.” The song is “Wolf Like Me,” the band TV on the Radio, and though Milt is only an extra, he can’t help but think that stands for Extra-Talented. Check your local listings.

I won’t forget you. I won’t forget any of you. Especially you, Little Crippled Timmy: I did it all for you.

2. Deerhoof – “Lamour Stories,” from Apple O

Lamour? Yes, nothing says, “I love you,” like a Deerhoof song.

That being said, if I could get Deerhoof to play my wedding (the actual wedding, not the reception, where I’ve already lined up The Brothers of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, which is the actual brothers of Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer covering their brothers’ work), I would do it, Mrs. von Fünkdoctorspock be damned.

3. Outkast – “Y’all Scared,” from Aquemini

While Milt is plenty vociferous about his detestations for hip hop skits, a close second would have to be his disdain for guest spots on hip hop records. In a word: rampant! Hooking your peoples up is cute and all, but there’s a reason these people (in this case T-Mo, Big Gipp, and Khujo) don’t have their own records out. Need a hint? It has everything to do with talent.

How would you feel if on every other Walkmen song Hamilton Leithauser yielded the mic to Derrick Lovelace, a friend of his who fronts Ass of Bass, an Ace of Base cover band?

4. Otis Redding – “Any Ole Way,” from The Definitive Otis Redding

Here’s a conversation Milt doesn’t expect to ever have:

IDIOT: Do you know that one song by Otis Redding that isn’t very good?

BANG!

MILTON shoots IDIOT in the heart… assuming IDIOT has a heart, which he might well not.

MILTON: No such song exists.

5. Liz Phair – “Supernova,” from Whip-Smart

More like Whip-Stupid!

Oh no he didn’t!

I kid. I just wanted to say something snappy. So snap, bitches!

Sweet mercy Liz is hot.

6. Garbage – “Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!),” from Beautiful Garbage

By no means is Milt shallow, but he would sign off right now on marrying a girl who could rock this rock nugget as her theme song. Liz Phair, par example. Which sounds kind of shallow. And is kind of shallow. Except when you consider how deep Milt is, which is approximately the depth of Phil Donahue * Maury Povich.

7. John Baker – “Chino,” from BBC Radiophonic Workshop

Junk gave me this. Or was it Chip? I swear you white crackas all look the same.

8. The Decemberists – “The Infanta,” from Picaresque

From wikipedia:

“In the Spanish and former Portuguese monarchies, Infante (masc.) or Infanta (fem.) is the title given to a son or daughter of the reigning monarch who is not the heir-apparent to the throne.”

If Milt had $500,000 for every indie rock band that sang about the sons and daughters of reigning Spanish and Portuguese kings and queens who weren’t the heir-apparent to the throne, he could finally buy a Ferrari, which is his life dream.

Milt’s not one for lyrics, but if the Decemberists sang the lyrics of Death Cab for Cutie, they would be dead to me.

9. U2 – “Vertigo,” from How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

If Milt wanted a shit sandwich, Milt would’ve ordered a shit sandwich.

10. Gomez – “Miles End,” from In Our Gun

Milt has four Gomez albums on his ‘Pod. Gomez is more of a one-album ‘Pod band. Don’t ask, but if he was on top of stuff, this would be the one album.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Jimmy Saffron - August 9, 2006

1. Lennon, John – “God,” from John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band

This song contains the line “I don’t believe/in Hitler.” If I were Bill O’Reilly, I’d cherry pick that quote and then ask if that meant John Lennon was a holocaust denier. Then I’d welcome special guest Paul McCartney to “help me wrap my head around this disturbing question.” Then I’d call Lennon a coward for not coming on my show to defend his statement.

Luckily I’m not Bill O’Reilly.

I’m Brit Hume, bitch.

2. Wilco – “Red-Eyed, and Blue,” from Being There (Disc 1)

Jeff Tweedy does his best Westerberg here. His “Besterberg,” if you will.

Oh, you will.

3. Big Joe Williams– “Shaggy Hound Blues,” from Absolutely The Best

I heard Money magazine put this song at #45 on their “Top 100 songs to Commit White-Collar Crime To” list.

#1 was “Carolina on My Mind,” predictably enough.

None of the above is not false.

4. Wilco – “At Least That’s What You Said (Live),” from 11/10/04 Paramount Theatre, Seattle, WA - bootleg

I heard Kofi Annan came on stage to play the guitar solo in this song.

Rip it, Kof. Rip that guitar a new one. Yeah, mutha!



5. Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Green River” from Chronicle Vol.1

Show me a record collection that doesn’t contain this record and I’ll show you this mole by my elbow. See it? Yeah, right there. Think I should get that checked out?

6. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead – “Relative Ways,” from Source Tags and Codes

Never has a band so scarily named been so not scary. Except maybe The Insane Clown Posse. Speaking of--

7. cLOUDDEAD – “Pop Song,” from Ten

True or false, Mixees:

Insane Clown Posse + Angelo Badalamenti = Clouddead?

8. Red House Painters – “Cabezon,” from Ocean Beach

I have a friend who, just before making sweet love to a young woman, put on some Red House Painters to set the mood. Right away the girl asked that he play something else. “I used to date Mark Kozelek,” she explained, “and well, it’s just hard to hear his music now.”

I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, only with Kofi Annan.

9. Nilsson, Harry – “Mr. Bojangles,” from Harry

Man, Nilsson. I love him. Saffron/Nilsson in the ’06.

10. Luna – “Beautiful View,” from Pup Tent

I think if Luna ever had a chance at a hit single, it was with this song. That said, I never, ever heard them play it live. Why was that? Were they ashamed? Disappointed? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Not, “what can I do to resolve the crisis in Lebanon,” or anything like that. Speaking of Lebanon, I’m tired. Good night.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 8, 2006

1. The Dresden Dolls – “First Orgasm,” from Yes, Virginia

Mrs. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock has never had an orgasm, but Milt’s had two: one for little Rickee, and the other for tiny Jemina. Isn’t Catholicism beautiful?

2. Sonic Youth – “Needle-Gun,” from Ciccone Youth: The Whitey Album

Milton lucked into winning tix to see these youngsters play a 400+ capacity club last weekend. Nary a group in all the land has ever put out such good music for such a long time. 25 years, kids. Inspirational. Even if my lord and savior Jesus Christ was in a band, unless they started the hot rockin’ when he was 8 they couldn’t have lasted that long, what with the crucifixion thing. Advantage: Sonic Youth!

3. Frank Black – “Don’t Ya Rile Em,” from Frank Black

How big do you think Frank Black’s house is? He was in a huge alternative rock group fifteen years ago and has a steadily modest solo career. Of course, I mean before the reunion $$$....

4. The Strokes – “What Ever Happened?,” from Room on Fire

At least twice a year my daily trip to the confessional includes this one: “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I wish I was handsome and in a rock group. I wish I was a Stroke.”

Envy is an ugly disease.

5. Sleater-Kinney – “A Quarter to Three,” from The Hot Rock

Jimmy, can you pass me a tissue? If you didn’t see these gals before they hung up their guitars and drumsticks, Milt feels sorry for you. If one was to take the geometric mean of the talent of the members of every band ever, S-K would have the highest mean. In a word: fierce. They will be missed.

6. Talking Heads – “With Our Love,” from More Songs About Buildings and Food

Am I mistaken, or shouldn’t this album be a lot higher on magazine’s lists of the Top 100 Rock Albums of All Time? No, Milt’s never mistaken.

7. Stevie Wonder – “He’s Misstra Know It All,” from Innervisions

He was blind, for heaven’s sake! JC does work miracles!

8. TV Themes – “The Late Show With David Letterman,” from Television’s Greatest Hits

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you know Milt’s not cheating with his shufflelog.

9. Sleater-Kinney – “Funeral Song,” from One Beat

Holy fucking karma!

It’s just an “indefinite hiatus.” They can still come back. Right, God? You wouldn’t take S-K away from us forever, would you? Hello? Is anyone up there?

10. The Magnetic Fields – “Reno Dakota,” from 69 Love Songs Vol. 1

If God created Man in his image, and if sex is about the best damned thing man can partake in, who does God have sex with? I don’t know, but I bet she’s smokin’ hot!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock - August 3, 2006

1. Outkast – “Ms. Jackson,” from Stankonia

Milt’s baby’s mama’s mama never liked him. “Why you with that muthaflaka who bought dem cheap ol’ penile protectors that burst and gave you yo’ bastard child?” she used to ask my Jules. Milt never knew how to apologize, how to best use emoticons to express the hurt he felt every second of every day. Then came this song. Forever? Forever ever? Forever ever? Yes!

2. Wilco – “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” from Live at MSG

Oh, man, I had no idea Wilco did this song! Blue Oyster Cult, you thieving magpies! You disgust me, and no, thank you, I would not like to join your cult. Unless there are orgies. Miltie enjoys fornicating with a mask on. Some call it a fetish. Milt calls it puppy love.

3. Garbage – “Milk,” from Garbage

It’s amazing this album didn’t inspire producers from all fields to start doing that thing, instead of helping others do that thing. Imagine if corn (a.k.a. “maize”) farmers started actually cooking the corn. Magic, people, magic!

4. Be Your Own Pet – “Thresher’s Flail,” from Be Your Own Pet

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Pop
+ Nashville
+ Punk
= BYOP

5. Dizzee Rascal – “Cut ‘Em Off,” from Boy in Da Corner

This reminds me of that movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, because what day boy be saying ain’t no English I know.

6. The Arcade Fire – “Neighborhood #2 (Laika),” from Funeral

From wikipedia:

Laika (from Russian: Лайка, "Barker") was a Russian space dog that became the first living creature from Earth to enter orbit.

Laika, shown here in a harness, died from stress and overheating several hours after being launched into space.

Rest in peace, Barker. We miss you.

7. Coldplay – “Don’t Panic,” from Parachutes

You know how I know Chip’s gay? The blow jobs, baby. The five star bj’s.

8. Pearl Jam – “Whipping,” from Vitalogy

Did you know the slang term “cracker,” which refers to people of the Caucasian persuasion, isn’t an allusion to saltines, but rather speaks to Caucasians cracking their whips across the backs of their slaves? I’m happy to say the von Fünkdoctorspocks were no crackers! We treated our slaves with dignity and respect. Most* slept on straw beds.

9. Elliott Smith – “Independence Day,” from XO

Damn, I really don’t remember this from the movie. And I own it and have watched it approximately** 217 times. This was the song ES played at the Oscars, right? Can you imagine the jamming he’s doing with Kurt Cobain and Shannon Hoon right now? Magic, people, magic.

10. Angelo Badalamenti – “Audrey’s Dance,” from Twin Peaks

The song about the girl whose taters I can only assume inspired the show’s name. God bless you, Sherilyn. Boxing Helena: now there’s one time you didn’t want to think about what was outside the box.

* Approximately 55%.

** And by approximately I mean exactly. I keep a running diary of my ID viewages. Keeps me sane.