Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Junk Jackson, August 30, 2006

1. Pavement - "Extradition," from Wowee Zowee

The Eighties had Reagan. The Nineties had Pavement. Now heaven has them both and the mortal world is stuck with Stephen Malkmus's solo stuff. I'm not necessarily saying I'd trade Malkmus if Reagan would agree to come back and front the band. But, well, I am saying that.

2. Rockstar - "King Tubby Meets Rockers Uptown," from GTA SA K-Jah West

Totally awesome rocking 100% thunderclap good time chief.

3. Salt n' Peppa - "Let's Talk About Sex," from Kerri's Music

I've always had a vast appreciation for the way this band's name confronts duality issues...

...but goddamn I have no clue as to how it got on my iPod. I imagine the answer lies with someone named "Kerri" and what she considers "music," and a certain friend of mine who must be friends with her and who made me a giant mix I never got around to listening to. I'm going to have my crew start checking the passenger lists for stow-aways.

It's like the time I came out of church and found a dead hooker in my car. No clue then, either.

4. Sound Dimension - "Granny Scratch Scratch," from 100% Dynamite

This song completes a ten-year project I've been working on to build a model that determines a songs awesomeness relative to the disgustingness of its title. I so wish they were talking about scratching records.


5. Do Make Say Think - "Goodbye Enemy Airship," from Goodbye Enemy Airship

Junks been working long-ass days and weekends. Junk's just not up to it right now.

6. Kool Keith - "All the Time," from Black Elvis/Lost in Space

Just saw him for the first time last Thursday. First, he handed out porn to the audience. No joke. Second, he played 20 second bits from all his songs for 30 minutes and then, after 1/3 of the audience walked out, went back to totally crushing it.

Here's a lyric sample from the song:

Take that kid off your promo
I move like Marco
New York City think I'm Cuomo

7. The Sunburned Hand of the Man - "The Sunburned Hand of the Man," from Headdress

This is the one time Junk gives a free pass to hippies.

The one time.

8. Luscious Jackson - unnamed track from a compilation called You Can Dance

This is what I listen to when I wash my vagina. But seriously, I'm having flashback's to the Salt n' Peppa incident, but I know where this came from. Honestly, and I'm really not making this up, but I let down my firewalls a few months ago in order to enable a playlist sharing program called LastFM. Anyway, I woke up one morning to find some girl named Halli uploading a giant playlist onto my was like watching terrorists hijack the school bus your kids are on.

First, I want to thank Halli for the Bewitched soundtracked -- it's really fucking good -- and second, I want everyone to know that my firewalls are back up.

9. The Futureheads - "Danger of the Water," from The Futureheads Promo


WASHINGTON, D.C. -- House lawmakers today unanimously passed a bill banning mediocre hipster bands from performing retarded a capella songs. The bill, simply known as "The Pitchfork Buster," was introduced in an emergency session following the attack of The Futureheads' latest promo release.

"It was just that fucking shitty," House Government Reform National Security, Emerging Threats and International Relations Subcommittee Chairman Christopher Shays (R-CT) told reporters late last night. "I mean, goddamn...who signed these guys? Al-Qaeda?"

While the intelligence community scrambles to find links between the terrorist organization and the Futureheads, the United States has already started sending troops to Williamsburg, Brooklyn. However, while bloodlust sweeps Washington, cooler heads are saying the real link is found in the editorial staff at Pitchfork, an extremist music magazine found in the neighborhood.

"Pitchfork has long preached a sermon glorifying lame confessional lyrics and cheap stunts like The Futureheads' stupid fucking a capella song," 2008 Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton (D-NY) told reporters. Clinton, who heads a group of Senate Democrats focused on stopping the real threat, Pitchfork, and not just everyday hipsters, vowed to push the bill through the Senate by Friday.

"Seriously, a capella music?" she told a group of war veterans yesterday. "This is an attack on our way of life."

10. Handsome Boy Modeling School - "It's Like That," ft. Casual, from White People

The only time I listen to this album is when it comes up on my shufflelog, which is just about every week.

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 30, 2006

The good doctor doesn't mean to brag, he doesn't mean to boast, he doesn't mean to imply he's intercontinental when he eats french toast, but it should be noted that his music 'Pod holds (and is, in fact, currently holding) 60 GB of 'sic. Which begs the following question:

If Milt's 'Pod was smaller, what would and would not make the cut?

Today's shufflelog will answer that question. Each song will be rated based on the smallest 'Pod the good doctor would include it on. Options include:

60 GB (15,000 songs), 30 GB, 4 GB Mini, 1 GB Nano, 512 kb Shuffle

1. The Streets – "Turn the Page," from Original Pirate Material

30 GB 'Pod: Milty grew up in Indiana, which means his finger wasn't exactly on the hip hop pulse, which means The Streets should feel proud to make a smaller 'Pod. Good job, Streets!

2. Pavement – "Passat Dream," from Brighten the Corners

30 GB 'Pod, and only because this album's fairly low on the Pavement totem pole. Smaller 'Pods kill catalogs, and the smallest prevent full albums unless you regularly rotate its contents, which no one wants to have to do.

3. Love – "Everybody's Got to Live," from How to Kill the DJ (Part 2)

Got damn this is eerie (specifically the song title) given Arthur Lee's recent leukemia diagnosis. Some writer-type up in these parts (these parts being NYC) went to 31 shows in 30 days for an article in The Village Voice. He said Robert Plant at the Arthur Lee benefit was the best act he saw that whole month. Good mix. 30 GB.

Speaking of DJ mixeration, check Girl Talk, people. It's approximately 714 songs spun into one.

4. Dave Matthews Band – "Granny," from Live at Luther College

Chip, Junk and Jimmy all highly recommended Dave to me. Sorry, guys. 7,000 MB 'Pod of the future (on shelves fall 2042 and the size of an acorn (also, it is shaped to look like an acorn for theft detterent reasons)).

5. Wu-Tang Clan – "Second Coming," from Forever

30 GB: Generally, Wu release date is directly proportion to 'Pod size worthiness. This toes the line. Weaker track from the 2LP blowout.

6. The Simpsons – "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds," from Songs in the Key of Springfield

60 GB: See, people? Sixty allows for sweet, sweet indulgences courtesy of Mr. Booooo-urns.

7. N.W.A. – "I Ain't Tha 1," from Straight Outta Compton

4 GB: Do you think Easy-E lost some of his "attitude" after he got the AIDS? Milt hopes so. He hates to think that talented young man died so young and so angry.

8. The Beatles – "Julia," from The White Album

1 GB: The White Album has always been Milt's coloured album of choice, which concerns him because it might mean he's racist, which isn't true. He only hates Mexicans of any color.

9. Nirvana – "Black and White Blues," from Outcesticide 4

60 GB: If I die early, promise you'll all scour my life's work and try to publish all of it. Even the limerick I wrote about spending time in Nantucket with my second grade teacher Mrs. Grangus. I meant every word of it.

10. Wu-Tang Clan – "Maria," from Forever

4 GB: This verse by ODB really speaks to the good doctor:

This is dedicated to all you bitches
Knew this bitch named Traj,
she had a hella fine assCandy-ass,
blew my hole in the past
Niggarette gave me gonorrhea
Pussy dick to the tippy toe like ballerina
Boy you shoulda seen her
She had a babyface creamer Purinas
Called up talkin Tina
I put my dick in a broom
She blew my head like a balloon
I had her walkin on the moon

Milt's dick is often in a broom. It feels nice... as long as you've got the right broom.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 16, 2006

1. TV on the Radio – “I Was a Lover,” from Return to Cookie Mountain

Now’s as good a time as any: my days here at “In the Mix” may be numbered. You see, my faithful readers and readerettes, Milt’s star is a star on the rise, and with his music video debut set to splash any day now, his trajectory is best described as “meteoric.” The song is “Wolf Like Me,” the band TV on the Radio, and though Milt is only an extra, he can’t help but think that stands for Extra-Talented. Check your local listings.

I won’t forget you. I won’t forget any of you. Especially you, Little Crippled Timmy: I did it all for you.

2. Deerhoof – “Lamour Stories,” from Apple O

Lamour? Yes, nothing says, “I love you,” like a Deerhoof song.

That being said, if I could get Deerhoof to play my wedding (the actual wedding, not the reception, where I’ve already lined up The Brothers of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, which is the actual brothers of Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer covering their brothers’ work), I would do it, Mrs. von Fünkdoctorspock be damned.

3. Outkast – “Y’all Scared,” from Aquemini

While Milt is plenty vociferous about his detestations for hip hop skits, a close second would have to be his disdain for guest spots on hip hop records. In a word: rampant! Hooking your peoples up is cute and all, but there’s a reason these people (in this case T-Mo, Big Gipp, and Khujo) don’t have their own records out. Need a hint? It has everything to do with talent.

How would you feel if on every other Walkmen song Hamilton Leithauser yielded the mic to Derrick Lovelace, a friend of his who fronts Ass of Bass, an Ace of Base cover band?

4. Otis Redding – “Any Ole Way,” from The Definitive Otis Redding

Here’s a conversation Milt doesn’t expect to ever have:

IDIOT: Do you know that one song by Otis Redding that isn’t very good?


MILTON shoots IDIOT in the heart… assuming IDIOT has a heart, which he might well not.

MILTON: No such song exists.

5. Liz Phair – “Supernova,” from Whip-Smart

More like Whip-Stupid!

Oh no he didn’t!

I kid. I just wanted to say something snappy. So snap, bitches!

Sweet mercy Liz is hot.

6. Garbage – “Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!),” from Beautiful Garbage

By no means is Milt shallow, but he would sign off right now on marrying a girl who could rock this rock nugget as her theme song. Liz Phair, par example. Which sounds kind of shallow. And is kind of shallow. Except when you consider how deep Milt is, which is approximately the depth of Phil Donahue * Maury Povich.

7. John Baker – “Chino,” from BBC Radiophonic Workshop

Junk gave me this. Or was it Chip? I swear you white crackas all look the same.

8. The Decemberists – “The Infanta,” from Picaresque

From wikipedia:

“In the Spanish and former Portuguese monarchies, Infante (masc.) or Infanta (fem.) is the title given to a son or daughter of the reigning monarch who is not the heir-apparent to the throne.”

If Milt had $500,000 for every indie rock band that sang about the sons and daughters of reigning Spanish and Portuguese kings and queens who weren’t the heir-apparent to the throne, he could finally buy a Ferrari, which is his life dream.

Milt’s not one for lyrics, but if the Decemberists sang the lyrics of Death Cab for Cutie, they would be dead to me.

9. U2 – “Vertigo,” from How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

If Milt wanted a shit sandwich, Milt would’ve ordered a shit sandwich.

10. Gomez – “Miles End,” from In Our Gun

Milt has four Gomez albums on his ‘Pod. Gomez is more of a one-album ‘Pod band. Don’t ask, but if he was on top of stuff, this would be the one album.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Sunny Novak, August 10, 2006

So, everybody, I hope this is okay—I’ve invited a guest to post for me today. Sometimes I get a little tired of reading my own writing and, well, my aunt happened to be visiting and she happens to really love music. She even did a critically lauded one-woman show on the Poconos resort circuit in the early 60’s, so I guess you could say she’s got a few stories to tell.

Her name is Secretia Lawrenson. She put out a couple of albums that you might be able to turn up on eBay if you’re interested—one’s called No One Here Gets Out Alive and the other is cryptically entitled Spelunking Enthusiast? She’s a legend. I think we’re in for a real treat.

So without further ado…

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you…

Ten Songs from Secretia Lawrenson

1. “’93 ’Til Infiniti,” Souls of Mischief, ’93 ’Til Infinity

About three years ago, my manager Bernie Hagelstein came to me with an offer I could barely refuse.

“Secretia,” he said to me, “whaddya say we go back on the road for a little while, make a coupla bucks.”

He went to work booking venues while I tried to put some polish on the old routine. Bernie thought it’d be a good idea to jazz it up a little for the kids, you know, throw a couple of newer, hipper songs into the mix. I put together a medley of hits from the past ten years—some “Macarena,” a touch of “Whoomp, There It Is,” a little bit of “Mambo #5,” a smidge of “Who Let the Dogs Out,” that sort of thing.

I thought it worked pretty well, but I wish I’d heard this song before I put the arrangement together, because the lines, “I roam the strip for bones to pick/ When I find one I’m gon-na take her home and quickly do this/ I need not explain this/ Yo, Buster’s famous/ So get the anus/ Heinous,” would’ve flowed nicely out of, “A little bit of Secretia all night long.”

By the way, that tour never got off the ground.

I’m still a little p.o.’ed about that.

2. “Shriek,” The Willowz, Talk in Circles

Recently a male consort of mine took me to a Wolfmother show. He told me that they were going to remind me of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin. I never much cared for those fellows’ music, but I did like the way Robert Plant’s kiester looked in those leather pants, so I went. We somehow managed to miss all of Wolfmother’s set but did arrive in time to catch these well-scrubbed youths in action. Boy, were their clothes splendid! I don’t remember them sounding like this, though. Mostly they just sounded loud.

3. “Stop the Fuss,” Horace Andy, Dance Hall Style

In the mid-70’s, I sought political asylum in Jamaica and found myself entangled in a torrid affair with a middle-aged Rastafarian. If you’ve never heard of Horace Andy, then let me be the first to tell you that he is Kingston’s answer to Isaac Hayes. Hearing this song will take a lady back to steamy afternoons spent smoking grass and making love on a grass mat to the delight of gathered crowds.

4. “Deux Guitares,” Etienne “Sara” Ferret, Jazz a La Gitane

“Sara” was one of my best friends, actually. Even though this song has no lyrics, if you listen carefully you’ll realize that this song is clearly about me.

Oh, hell, kids, you caught me. I have no idea who this person is. I don’t even know if it’s a man or a woman. It’s kind of a catchy little number, though.

5. “One More Cup of Coffee,” Bob Dylan, Desire

Bob came to see me perform at Goldenson’s Ranch while he was recording this album. After the show, he approached me shyly for some advice as to what he should call it.

“What’s the feel of it, Bob?” I asked him. “Is it more of that political shit, because no one wants to hear that anymore. They’ll think you’re a one-trick pony.”

“It’s more of a women-and-wanderlust affair,” was his reply.

“Right! Now we’re speaking the same language.” At this point, inspiration struck. It was magical. “If I were you, I’d name it after whatever emotion you are feeling most strongly right in this very moment.”

And you see what he called it. What a mensch.

6. “After the Goldrush,” Neil Young, Decade

Sunny says she loves Neil Young because his voice penetrates her like “needles of exquisite pain.” I say that’s horseshit.

This man sings like someone’s got his bojangles in a vise.

7. “Burnt Pride,” Latyrx, The Album

I’d like to think I know a little something about “Burnt Pride.” When that bitch Liza Minnelli called me “an untalented slut whose vagina is like a cave from which even the bravest and hardiest cannot return unscathed,” on The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson on the very same night I was scheduled to perform, I went out there and sang my guts out with my head held high. Inside, though, I was dying. I hope no one hurt Mr. Lateef or Mr. Lyrics Born in this cruel way, because they both sound like such nice boys.

8. “Our Time,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Yeah Yeah Yeahs EP

Back in 2002, I was fortunate enough to catch Karen O and the boys at a teeny weeny club in Los Angeles. Karen wore some sort of getup involving a unitard and tinfoil. I liked her style, and I loved her music.

After the show, she approached me humbly, asking, “Secretia, how do I maintain my punk edge in the face of enormous success?”

“Karen, honey,” I said, “I have three words for you: opalescent track suits.”

I bet she wishes she’d listened to me now.

9. “Potion,” Morphine, Tricky’s Back to Mine

I don’t know much about this band, but their music sounds exactly like how it feels to be drunk off Carlo & Rossi in the middle of a summer afternoon.

10. “Bird Song,” Grateful Dead, Reckoning

A beautiful song. Word on the street is that Jerry & Co. wrote this song in honor of the lovely and talented Ms. Janis Joplin, with whom long-defunct keyboardist Pigpen enjoyed an unusually close alcohol-fueled friendship.

That’s a lie. Anyone interested in the real story should contact Bobby Weir and ask him directly.

By the way, the lyrics commonly misheard as, “All I know is something/ like a bird within her sang,” actually read, “All I know is something/ like a bird within her stank.”

I have no idea what that could possibly be referring to.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Jimmy Saffron - August 9, 2006

1. Lennon, John – “God,” from John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band

This song contains the line “I don’t believe/in Hitler.” If I were Bill O’Reilly, I’d cherry pick that quote and then ask if that meant John Lennon was a holocaust denier. Then I’d welcome special guest Paul McCartney to “help me wrap my head around this disturbing question.” Then I’d call Lennon a coward for not coming on my show to defend his statement.

Luckily I’m not Bill O’Reilly.

I’m Brit Hume, bitch.

2. Wilco – “Red-Eyed, and Blue,” from Being There (Disc 1)

Jeff Tweedy does his best Westerberg here. His “Besterberg,” if you will.

Oh, you will.

3. Big Joe Williams– “Shaggy Hound Blues,” from Absolutely The Best

I heard Money magazine put this song at #45 on their “Top 100 songs to Commit White-Collar Crime To” list.

#1 was “Carolina on My Mind,” predictably enough.

None of the above is not false.

4. Wilco – “At Least That’s What You Said (Live),” from 11/10/04 Paramount Theatre, Seattle, WA - bootleg

I heard Kofi Annan came on stage to play the guitar solo in this song.

Rip it, Kof. Rip that guitar a new one. Yeah, mutha!

5. Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Green River” from Chronicle Vol.1

Show me a record collection that doesn’t contain this record and I’ll show you this mole by my elbow. See it? Yeah, right there. Think I should get that checked out?

6. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead – “Relative Ways,” from Source Tags and Codes

Never has a band so scarily named been so not scary. Except maybe The Insane Clown Posse. Speaking of--

7. cLOUDDEAD – “Pop Song,” from Ten

True or false, Mixees:

Insane Clown Posse + Angelo Badalamenti = Clouddead?

8. Red House Painters – “Cabezon,” from Ocean Beach

I have a friend who, just before making sweet love to a young woman, put on some Red House Painters to set the mood. Right away the girl asked that he play something else. “I used to date Mark Kozelek,” she explained, “and well, it’s just hard to hear his music now.”

I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, only with Kofi Annan.

9. Nilsson, Harry – “Mr. Bojangles,” from Harry

Man, Nilsson. I love him. Saffron/Nilsson in the ’06.

10. Luna – “Beautiful View,” from Pup Tent

I think if Luna ever had a chance at a hit single, it was with this song. That said, I never, ever heard them play it live. Why was that? Were they ashamed? Disappointed? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Not, “what can I do to resolve the crisis in Lebanon,” or anything like that. Speaking of Lebanon, I’m tired. Good night.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 8, 2006

1. The Dresden Dolls – “First Orgasm,” from Yes, Virginia

Mrs. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock has never had an orgasm, but Milt’s had two: one for little Rickee, and the other for tiny Jemina. Isn’t Catholicism beautiful?

2. Sonic Youth – “Needle-Gun,” from Ciccone Youth: The Whitey Album

Milton lucked into winning tix to see these youngsters play a 400+ capacity club last weekend. Nary a group in all the land has ever put out such good music for such a long time. 25 years, kids. Inspirational. Even if my lord and savior Jesus Christ was in a band, unless they started the hot rockin’ when he was 8 they couldn’t have lasted that long, what with the crucifixion thing. Advantage: Sonic Youth!

3. Frank Black – “Don’t Ya Rile Em,” from Frank Black

How big do you think Frank Black’s house is? He was in a huge alternative rock group fifteen years ago and has a steadily modest solo career. Of course, I mean before the reunion $$$....

4. The Strokes – “What Ever Happened?,” from Room on Fire

At least twice a year my daily trip to the confessional includes this one: “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I wish I was handsome and in a rock group. I wish I was a Stroke.”

Envy is an ugly disease.

5. Sleater-Kinney – “A Quarter to Three,” from The Hot Rock

Jimmy, can you pass me a tissue? If you didn’t see these gals before they hung up their guitars and drumsticks, Milt feels sorry for you. If one was to take the geometric mean of the talent of the members of every band ever, S-K would have the highest mean. In a word: fierce. They will be missed.

6. Talking Heads – “With Our Love,” from More Songs About Buildings and Food

Am I mistaken, or shouldn’t this album be a lot higher on magazine’s lists of the Top 100 Rock Albums of All Time? No, Milt’s never mistaken.

7. Stevie Wonder – “He’s Misstra Know It All,” from Innervisions

He was blind, for heaven’s sake! JC does work miracles!

8. TV Themes – “The Late Show With David Letterman,” from Television’s Greatest Hits

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you know Milt’s not cheating with his shufflelog.

9. Sleater-Kinney – “Funeral Song,” from One Beat

Holy fucking karma!

It’s just an “indefinite hiatus.” They can still come back. Right, God? You wouldn’t take S-K away from us forever, would you? Hello? Is anyone up there?

10. The Magnetic Fields – “Reno Dakota,” from 69 Love Songs Vol. 1

If God created Man in his image, and if sex is about the best damned thing man can partake in, who does God have sex with? I don’t know, but I bet she’s smokin’ hot!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Junk Jackson -- August 4, 2006

Junk Jackson has been an entertainment professional for over 30 years, and has dozens of hit films and songs to his name. Due to parole issues, he's been writing under a pseudonym, but with this shufflelog we welcome him back. His profile has been updated accordingly.

1. The Clash -- "London's Burning," from The Clash

The ability to make angst seem so good spirited. This band was going to name itself "The Junk," but then found that Junk had already copyrighted the name. Ain't no stealin' from the junkyard, fools.

2. The New York Dolls -- "Pills," from New York Dolls

Junk covered this song for a 1978 film titled Fussy Bitch. Paul Schrader directed the script, written by Junk's cousin Jamesons. The soundtrack hit big in Germany the year after that, and Junk made enough bank to fund an apparel line that sold pretty well in Greece during the early eighties.

3. Cap 'n Jazz -- "Puddle Splashes," from Analphabetapolythology

Believe it or not, Junk actually gets down to the early emo...somethin' about seeing all those white boys cry.

4. Cinematic Orchestra -- "All Things to All Men", featuring Roots Manuva, from Every Day

Every year Roots and Junk rent an Ottoman-era Villa in Turkey, where they're both relatively unknown, and use the time to get back into their own skins. You know, sometimes Junk's just gotta sit before it can appreciate. Junk Jackson ain't no antique, though.

5. Amon Tobin -- "Four Ton Mantis," from Supermodified

Junk once reviewed this album for Pitchfork, saying it had a good strong helping of goddamn! in it.

6. Mr. Nogatco -- "No Heads at All," from Nogatco Rd.

AKA Kool Keith, Dr. Octagon, Matthew, Dr. Dooom. There's a verse on here that goes something like:

Fuck Michael Douglas!
Tell him to invade China...
Consumer Reports loves Jetta...
Our crew's comin' to Getcha.

But it somehow manages to rhyme, even with that weird China line. The Drudge Report claims the government has assembled a team of English professors and physicists to look into the matter. Also, leaked intelligence reports confirm that Michael Douglas is currently shopping for a Condo on one of those manmade islands off the coast of Dubai...not planning to invade China.

7. Reflection Eternal -- "Fortified Live," from Soundbombing I

The name sounds less like a rap duo comprised of Mos Def and Talib Kweli, which it is, and more like a mid-80's New Age ensemble which released a ton of albums with nature pictures on the cover. Like this:

Or maybe this:

8. Evergreen -- "Fairlane," from Evergreen

Punk music is about rights, am I right? Junk needs to get something off his chest right here and now...didn't our pioneer forebears create the Second Amendment because the lawless frontier needed order kept by lone heroes making law with their own grit? PBS did a 1987 documentary about Junk's plight titled The Junk Drawer. Didn't convince the fuckin' jury, though.

9. Gnarls Barkley -- "The Last Time," from St. Elsewhere

I recently read that Charles Barkley is running for governor of Alabama once he fills the residency requirement. You know, old Junk can't run for President due to some past legal issues, but I think Lieutenant Governor of a junky state is right up his alley.

10. Charlie Parker -- "April in Paris," from Charlie Parker with Strings

One of Junk's first projects was a French film about a chef in Paris learning the joys of cooking...real cooking, and it featured this wonderful song as the theme. Unfortunately, the film's title, A Taste of Junk, didn't translate very well for the American market.

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock - August 3, 2006

1. Outkast – “Ms. Jackson,” from Stankonia

Milt’s baby’s mama’s mama never liked him. “Why you with that muthaflaka who bought dem cheap ol’ penile protectors that burst and gave you yo’ bastard child?” she used to ask my Jules. Milt never knew how to apologize, how to best use emoticons to express the hurt he felt every second of every day. Then came this song. Forever? Forever ever? Forever ever? Yes!

2. Wilco – “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” from Live at MSG

Oh, man, I had no idea Wilco did this song! Blue Oyster Cult, you thieving magpies! You disgust me, and no, thank you, I would not like to join your cult. Unless there are orgies. Miltie enjoys fornicating with a mask on. Some call it a fetish. Milt calls it puppy love.

3. Garbage – “Milk,” from Garbage

It’s amazing this album didn’t inspire producers from all fields to start doing that thing, instead of helping others do that thing. Imagine if corn (a.k.a. “maize”) farmers started actually cooking the corn. Magic, people, magic!

4. Be Your Own Pet – “Thresher’s Flail,” from Be Your Own Pet

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Pop
+ Nashville
+ Punk

5. Dizzee Rascal – “Cut ‘Em Off,” from Boy in Da Corner

This reminds me of that movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, because what day boy be saying ain’t no English I know.

6. The Arcade Fire – “Neighborhood #2 (Laika),” from Funeral

From wikipedia:

Laika (from Russian: Лайка, "Barker") was a Russian space dog that became the first living creature from Earth to enter orbit.

Laika, shown here in a harness, died from stress and overheating several hours after being launched into space.

Rest in peace, Barker. We miss you.

7. Coldplay – “Don’t Panic,” from Parachutes

You know how I know Chip’s gay? The blow jobs, baby. The five star bj’s.

8. Pearl Jam – “Whipping,” from Vitalogy

Did you know the slang term “cracker,” which refers to people of the Caucasian persuasion, isn’t an allusion to saltines, but rather speaks to Caucasians cracking their whips across the backs of their slaves? I’m happy to say the von Fünkdoctorspocks were no crackers! We treated our slaves with dignity and respect. Most* slept on straw beds.

9. Elliott Smith – “Independence Day,” from XO

Damn, I really don’t remember this from the movie. And I own it and have watched it approximately** 217 times. This was the song ES played at the Oscars, right? Can you imagine the jamming he’s doing with Kurt Cobain and Shannon Hoon right now? Magic, people, magic.

10. Angelo Badalamenti – “Audrey’s Dance,” from Twin Peaks

The song about the girl whose taters I can only assume inspired the show’s name. God bless you, Sherilyn. Boxing Helena: now there’s one time you didn’t want to think about what was outside the box.

* Approximately 55%.

** And by approximately I mean exactly. I keep a running diary of my ID viewages. Keeps me sane.