Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, October 19, 2006

1. The Unicorns – “Inoculate the Innocuous,” from Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone?

When Milty was younger, he was very concerned that age and being lame were proportionally related. “I will do everything in my power to not someday drool over smooth jazz,” he once ruminated, “but I make no guarantees, as such transformations run rampant.” Turns out he’s only grown more enamored with popular music, which he can live with because it’s just so durned likable. It is called “popular” for a reason….

2. Pavement – “Loretta’s Scars,” from Slanted & Enchanted

Would it be ridiculous to call them the pop gods of indie rock? Milt thinks not, and to stress: not a bad thing. There’s no scenario in which they hit it big, but dammitalltohell if it’s not fine dining from start to finish, often catchy as all get-out. He’s said it before and he’ll say it again, but if the good doctor could carve a rock niche, Pavement’s some sexy sorbet.

3. Islands – “Jogging Gorgeous Summer,” from Return to the Sea

This album has the funniest song title of the year: “Don’t Call me Whitney, Bobby.” I heard for Bobby’s last birthday Whitney only gave him a private performance of “The Greatest Love of All.” It’s no wonder she’s single again. Inconsiderate bitch. What about Bobby’s needs?

Hey, this sounds kind of like The Unicorns!

4. Johnny Cash – “All Over Again,” from The Essential Johnny Cash

Every man, woman, child and goat should have an essentials collection. What’s essential in your life? That thimble you used to knit grandma’s glow-in-the-dark shawl? The goldfish bowl you made out of your mother’s edible panties? The bike chain you used to commit that hate crime? Each and every one of us is special in our own special way. Except you, Chip. You’re pretty ordinary.

5. Sonic Youth – “Burning Spear,” from Live in Holland 12/27/83

Rather Ripped and Return to Cookie Mountain are currently in a fierce battle for Album o’ ’06. No act has put out such high quality music 25 years after their inception as SY. But we do still miss Bob Bert.

6. Bob Dylan – “I am a Lonesome Hobo,” from John Wesley Harding

No you’re not, Bob. You’s filthy rich up to yo’ neck in the puss’, two things hobos decidedly are not. Wise up. Sucka.

I think the musical talents of harmonica players are overrated. It’s so small. And they just have to blow through it. There’s a reason it’s the instrument of choice for hobos.

7. Whiskeytown – “Turn Around,” from Strangers Almanac

Not only was Ryan Adams that guy who broke out his guitar at college parties to wow the ladies, he was that guy who would do it and play only original songs. And it would work. Every time! With the hottest women! Milt only hated those guys because he couldn’t do it himself….

8. The Velvet Underground – “Head Held High,” from Loaded: Peel Slowly and See

I’d go to a VU reunion show. Could they swing that? Are too many people dead?

9. Superchunk – “Slack Motherfucker,” from Tossing Seeds

Been heavily rotated of late because the good doctor done got him some tix to The Daily Show presents 'Ten F#@king Years (The Concert),’ featuring Superchunk. Honestly, wouldn’t be mad if Craigers (a.k.a. Kilby) showed up.

10. Mos Def – “The Rape Over,” from The New Danger

Yeah, Milt was disappointed by Danger, what of it? The hard rock shit sounds like a shitty hard rock band. Like Incubus. Milt can take getting lame with age as long as it doesn’t include listening to Staind.

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, October 2, 2006

1. Helmet – “Better,” from Meantime

How appropriate. Junk, Jimmy and Milty have a high school reunion forthcoming, and this album was in heavy rotation back when we owned the halls of NCHS. The good doctor won’t say which of us got a Helmet tattoo next to his loins, but it was Jimmy. Anxious to see which of our classmates have flamed out like Helmet did post Betty. They will be made fun of, as will most everyone else.

2. The Buggles – “Video Killed the Radio Star,” from Milt’s 80’s Cheese Rock Mix

As frightening as it is to think about what the DJ might pull out for us to relive the early to mid-nineties, god bless us for not HSing it in the eighties. Even though it was a later release, if “Hey Ya” isn’t played the reunion’s a wash. There, I said it, and it’s what we were all thinking.

3. Stereolab – “Jenny Ondioline,” from Transient Random-Noise Burts

At a reunion-like setting where one hasn’t seen people in a long time but in a roundabout way still knows them, it’s impossible not to ask one’s self the following question: “How many dances before I can appropriately ask to finger bang my partner on the dance floor?” The answer is, of course, three.*

* Unless the song is over 15 minutes long, in which case the answer is one, and in which case Milt will be requesting this Stereolab gem again and again and again.

4. Tool – “Pushit,” from Ænima

Milt doesn’t often make guarantees. Milt guarantees Tool’s “Pushit” is not played at his high school reunion. Salt ‘n Pepa’s maybe, but Tool’s? Negative.

5. Elvis Costello & the Attractions – “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding?”

Elvis is one of them folks who Milt hopes goes to all his high school reunions, because no way was he not a huge geek in high school, and no way is he not the coolest kid to graduate from his high school. Kind of reminds Milt of Milt….

6. Pearl Jam – “Come Back,” from Pearl Jam

No way does PJ go to their reunion. But if they did, Eddie Vedder could mos def finger bang the girl(s) of his choice on the first dance.

7. Elliott Smith – “Wouldn’t Mama Be Proud,” from Figure 8

Depression rate is inversely proportional to reunion attendance rate. Another no for Elliott, who by the by was one of the first artists the good doctor got into after high school, nicely representing the mellowification that occurred for him at that time.

8. Django Reinhardt – “I Got Rhythm,” from Swing from Paris

Django was totally that guy who was always noodling on his guitar, making all the other guys want to punch him because they thought he was just showing off for the ladies.

9. Seu Jorge – “Samba que nem Rita à Dora,” from Samba Esporte Fino

Milt saw him just last week filming something in Times Square. That is in no way related to high school reunions. You’re welcome.

10. Van Morrison – “Crazy Love,” from Moondance

Will there be a lot of slow dancing at this thing? High school dances had a disproportionate amount of slow dancing since those were the only dances guys had the balls to dance (i.e. finger bang) to. And do people wear name tags? It has been ten years. The good doctor will need to practice his sneaking-a-peak-at-a-nametag-without-making-it-look-like-he’s-sneaking-a-peak-at-a-nametag maneuver.

Jimmy Saffron, September 19, 2006

1. Petula Clark – “Heart,” from Girl Group Sounds of the Sixties (One Kiss Can Lead to Another)

There is some serious lobbying happening on behalf of this box set within my iPod. If my iPod is Capitol Hill, this box set is Big Oil.

This song takes its sweet time, which makes me like it. I like to take my sweet time, too. Doing what, you ask? What do you think? What do you think I like taking my sweet ass time with? I think you know. I think you know and just don’t want to say.

Uh-huh. Yep. You know.

2. Radiohead – “Dollars & Cents,” from Amnesiac

That’s what I call poor sequencing on the part of my iPod.

I know, the iPod is not a sentient being. It has no intelligence or "taste." It can’t be blamed for following up that first choice cut with this pretentious snoozer, for taking this mix from “boner-inducing” to “boner-reducing” in less than a second. Typical iPod spin, always hiding behind its randomness.

You know what I miss most about the America of my youth, with its radio stations and live DJ’s. Little thing called “accountability. “

3. Fred McDowell - “Goin’ Down To Louisiana,” from Mississippi Blues

This song has a tight hold on the #4 slot of my “Bally’s Tai Bo/Treadmill Thighs-Be-Gone-in-the-’06 Mixx.”

Believe it.

4. The Black Keys – “Grown So Ugly,” from Rubber Factory

I saw these guys last week. The good news is my dick grew by 4 inches. The bad news is its gotten very opinionated.

5. Spacehog – “The Horror,” from The Hogyssey

Some say Spacehog should have stopped after The Chinese Album. And there’s a valid argument there, because The Chinese Album is a work of genius. But they titled their followup record The Hogyssey, and that act of Homeric-level hubris alone deserves recognition.

6. Ramones – “I Can’t Be (Demo),” from Ramones

I watched a documentary about The Ramones called “End of the Century,” and its effect on me was something I never could have predicted. It made me love Johnny Ramone. Crabby, unapologetic, reactionary Johnny, the taskmaster. Dee Dee come across as a crazy person, and Joey like a sweet, dopey alien. Johnny was honest.

7. Deerhoof – “You Can See,” from The Runners Four

Somewhere, right now, a Pitchfork editor can’t understand why his girlfriend doesn’t find this music adorable.

8. Simon & Garfunkel – “Cloudy,” from Old Friends

I heard there’s a school of psychology that places every element of a man’s personality into two distinct categories: the Simon and the Garfunkel. The Simon in me thinks it preposterous that the two categories should get equal weight. The Garfunkel in me thinks it’s a wonderful idea, really groovy, thanks so much.

9. Shudder to Think – “Tony Told Me,” from Funeral At The Movies

Thank god Craig Wedren decided to use the power of his vibratto for good and not evil. Cause that shit could topple buildings.

I heard Bush wants to launch a pre-emptive strike on Wedren’s studio apartment to keep him from supplying his voice to terrorists. It could happen. 9/11 changed everything.

Well, not everything. I still can’t decide what color I want to paint the walls in my bedroom. It’s also that I don’t know how much longer I’ll be in that apartment, so I keep putting the whole thing off.

Never forget.

10. A.C. Newman – “Drink To Me, Babe, Then,” from The Slow Wonder

I heard Bob Newhart put out this record during a hiatus from his Canadian power-pop supergroup The Newhart Pornographers.

Pitchfork gave it a 5.4. They only like when he records with Neko Pleshette.

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, September 11, 2006

1. Blur – “Fade Away,” from The Great Escape

Remember that first time you heard an Oasis song and didn’t hate it? Maybe you didn’t like it per se, or maybe you didn’t realize it was Oasis, or maybe you were 17 beers deep, roofied and in Britain, where they drugged you and made you karaoke “Wonderwall.”

I’m not saying which one I was. And I still don’t like Oasis. Or have any of their albums. But this is the Brit pop album that made me realize some Brit pop is tolerable. Even when not roofied.

2. The Beatles – “Your Mother Should Know,” from Anthology 2

Where you live, how to get in touch with you in case of emergency, your birthday, etc etc, but she shouldn’t necessarily know if you’ve been roofied. It would only make her worry.

3. Bruce Springsteen – “Out in the Street,” from The River

In the olden days, pioneer lore says a roofie was called a bear tranquilizer, and it could be administered from up to 300 yards away, making it a favorite of pioneering sexual predators.

4. Moby – “One of These Mornings,” from 18

This is Moby’s roofie protest album. The title represents the legal age of consent in most states (it’s still 7 in Utah—you can probably guess why).

5. Beck – “Boyz,” from a b-side thing

A Midnite Vultures era rarity. I needn’t tell you what the song title or album title mean. You’re not that naïve.

6. John Coltrane – “Mr P.C.,” from The Heavyweight Champion

John: You want to ride my Col-train, baby?
Baby: Not tonight.
John: At least let me buy you a drink.
Baby: Thanks, how nice of you.

7. Kings of Leon – “Day Old Blues,” from Aha Shake Heartbreak

The nice thing about being in a young, handsome rock band who likes to party is you never have to resort to roofies to take pictures of a naked lady. Which is why more parents should encourage their kids to start rock bands.

8. Sonic Youth – “No. II (Part 3),” from TV Shit

SY ponders why there are so few ads on TV denouncing the use of roofies. If we have ads for this is your brain on drugs, what about this is your brain on roofies? And there’s an egg. And the egg hatches. But the chick inside is unconscious. And in struts a rooster (a.k.a. “cock”)….

9. Smashing Pumpkins – “The Beginning is the End is the Beginning,” from The End is the Beginning is the End

I wrote an anti-roofie hip hop number. In it, the roofier works as a roofer. Not because I think roofers are roofiers, just because it had good flow. Real good flow.

10. Travis – “Dear Diary,” from The Invisible Band

As staunchly as I support ending all sexual violence, I always find the “Dear Diary” protest format a little hokey. But god bless ‘em for trying….

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 30, 2006

The good doctor doesn't mean to brag, he doesn't mean to boast, he doesn't mean to imply he's intercontinental when he eats french toast, but it should be noted that his music 'Pod holds (and is, in fact, currently holding) 60 GB of 'sic. Which begs the following question:

If Milt's 'Pod was smaller, what would and would not make the cut?

Today's shufflelog will answer that question. Each song will be rated based on the smallest 'Pod the good doctor would include it on. Options include:

60 GB (15,000 songs), 30 GB, 4 GB Mini, 1 GB Nano, 512 kb Shuffle

1. The Streets – "Turn the Page," from Original Pirate Material

30 GB 'Pod: Milty grew up in Indiana, which means his finger wasn't exactly on the hip hop pulse, which means The Streets should feel proud to make a smaller 'Pod. Good job, Streets!

2. Pavement – "Passat Dream," from Brighten the Corners

30 GB 'Pod, and only because this album's fairly low on the Pavement totem pole. Smaller 'Pods kill catalogs, and the smallest prevent full albums unless you regularly rotate its contents, which no one wants to have to do.

3. Love – "Everybody's Got to Live," from How to Kill the DJ (Part 2)

Got damn this is eerie (specifically the song title) given Arthur Lee's recent leukemia diagnosis. Some writer-type up in these parts (these parts being NYC) went to 31 shows in 30 days for an article in The Village Voice. He said Robert Plant at the Arthur Lee benefit was the best act he saw that whole month. Good mix. 30 GB.

Speaking of DJ mixeration, check Girl Talk, people. It's approximately 714 songs spun into one.

4. Dave Matthews Band – "Granny," from Live at Luther College

Chip, Junk and Jimmy all highly recommended Dave to me. Sorry, guys. 7,000 MB 'Pod of the future (on shelves fall 2042 and the size of an acorn (also, it is shaped to look like an acorn for theft detterent reasons)).

5. Wu-Tang Clan – "Second Coming," from Forever

30 GB: Generally, Wu release date is directly proportion to 'Pod size worthiness. This toes the line. Weaker track from the 2LP blowout.

6. The Simpsons – "Two Dozen and One Greyhounds," from Songs in the Key of Springfield

60 GB: See, people? Sixty allows for sweet, sweet indulgences courtesy of Mr. Booooo-urns.

7. N.W.A. – "I Ain't Tha 1," from Straight Outta Compton

4 GB: Do you think Easy-E lost some of his "attitude" after he got the AIDS? Milt hopes so. He hates to think that talented young man died so young and so angry.

8. The Beatles – "Julia," from The White Album

1 GB: The White Album has always been Milt's coloured album of choice, which concerns him because it might mean he's racist, which isn't true. He only hates Mexicans of any color.

9. Nirvana – "Black and White Blues," from Outcesticide 4

60 GB: If I die early, promise you'll all scour my life's work and try to publish all of it. Even the limerick I wrote about spending time in Nantucket with my second grade teacher Mrs. Grangus. I meant every word of it.

10. Wu-Tang Clan – "Maria," from Forever

4 GB: This verse by ODB really speaks to the good doctor:

This is dedicated to all you bitches
Knew this bitch named Traj,
she had a hella fine assCandy-ass,
blew my hole in the past
Niggarette gave me gonorrhea
Pussy dick to the tippy toe like ballerina
Boy you shoulda seen her
She had a babyface creamer Purinas
Called up talkin Tina
I put my dick in a broom
She blew my head like a balloon
I had her walkin on the moon

Milt's dick is often in a broom. It feels nice... as long as you've got the right broom.

Dr. Milton von Fünkdoctorspock, August 16, 2006

1. TV on the Radio – “I Was a Lover,” from Return to Cookie Mountain

Now’s as good a time as any: my days here at “In the Mix” may be numbered. You see, my faithful readers and readerettes, Milt’s star is a star on the rise, and with his music video debut set to splash any day now, his trajectory is best described as “meteoric.” The song is “Wolf Like Me,” the band TV on the Radio, and though Milt is only an extra, he can’t help but think that stands for Extra-Talented. Check your local listings.

I won’t forget you. I won’t forget any of you. Especially you, Little Crippled Timmy: I did it all for you.

2. Deerhoof – “Lamour Stories,” from Apple O

Lamour? Yes, nothing says, “I love you,” like a Deerhoof song.

That being said, if I could get Deerhoof to play my wedding (the actual wedding, not the reception, where I’ve already lined up The Brothers of Emerson, Lake and Palmer, which is the actual brothers of Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer covering their brothers’ work), I would do it, Mrs. von Fünkdoctorspock be damned.

3. Outkast – “Y’all Scared,” from Aquemini

While Milt is plenty vociferous about his detestations for hip hop skits, a close second would have to be his disdain for guest spots on hip hop records. In a word: rampant! Hooking your peoples up is cute and all, but there’s a reason these people (in this case T-Mo, Big Gipp, and Khujo) don’t have their own records out. Need a hint? It has everything to do with talent.

How would you feel if on every other Walkmen song Hamilton Leithauser yielded the mic to Derrick Lovelace, a friend of his who fronts Ass of Bass, an Ace of Base cover band?

4. Otis Redding – “Any Ole Way,” from The Definitive Otis Redding

Here’s a conversation Milt doesn’t expect to ever have:

IDIOT: Do you know that one song by Otis Redding that isn’t very good?

BANG!

MILTON shoots IDIOT in the heart… assuming IDIOT has a heart, which he might well not.

MILTON: No such song exists.

5. Liz Phair – “Supernova,” from Whip-Smart

More like Whip-Stupid!

Oh no he didn’t!

I kid. I just wanted to say something snappy. So snap, bitches!

Sweet mercy Liz is hot.

6. Garbage – “Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!),” from Beautiful Garbage

By no means is Milt shallow, but he would sign off right now on marrying a girl who could rock this rock nugget as her theme song. Liz Phair, par example. Which sounds kind of shallow. And is kind of shallow. Except when you consider how deep Milt is, which is approximately the depth of Phil Donahue * Maury Povich.

7. John Baker – “Chino,” from BBC Radiophonic Workshop

Junk gave me this. Or was it Chip? I swear you white crackas all look the same.

8. The Decemberists – “The Infanta,” from Picaresque

From wikipedia:

“In the Spanish and former Portuguese monarchies, Infante (masc.) or Infanta (fem.) is the title given to a son or daughter of the reigning monarch who is not the heir-apparent to the throne.”

If Milt had $500,000 for every indie rock band that sang about the sons and daughters of reigning Spanish and Portuguese kings and queens who weren’t the heir-apparent to the throne, he could finally buy a Ferrari, which is his life dream.

Milt’s not one for lyrics, but if the Decemberists sang the lyrics of Death Cab for Cutie, they would be dead to me.

9. U2 – “Vertigo,” from How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

If Milt wanted a shit sandwich, Milt would’ve ordered a shit sandwich.

10. Gomez – “Miles End,” from In Our Gun

Milt has four Gomez albums on his ‘Pod. Gomez is more of a one-album ‘Pod band. Don’t ask, but if he was on top of stuff, this would be the one album.

Jimmy Saffron - August 9, 2006

1. Lennon, John – “God,” from John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band

This song contains the line “I don’t believe/in Hitler.” If I were Bill O’Reilly, I’d cherry pick that quote and then ask if that meant John Lennon was a holocaust denier. Then I’d welcome special guest Paul McCartney to “help me wrap my head around this disturbing question.” Then I’d call Lennon a coward for not coming on my show to defend his statement.

Luckily I’m not Bill O’Reilly.

I’m Brit Hume, bitch.

2. Wilco – “Red-Eyed, and Blue,” from Being There (Disc 1)

Jeff Tweedy does his best Westerberg here. His “Besterberg,” if you will.

Oh, you will.

3. Big Joe Williams– “Shaggy Hound Blues,” from Absolutely The Best

I heard Money magazine put this song at #45 on their “Top 100 songs to Commit White-Collar Crime To” list.

#1 was “Carolina on My Mind,” predictably enough.

None of the above is not false.

4. Wilco – “At Least That’s What You Said (Live),” from 11/10/04 Paramount Theatre, Seattle, WA - bootleg

I heard Kofi Annan came on stage to play the guitar solo in this song.

Rip it, Kof. Rip that guitar a new one. Yeah, mutha!



5. Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Green River” from Chronicle Vol.1

Show me a record collection that doesn’t contain this record and I’ll show you this mole by my elbow. See it? Yeah, right there. Think I should get that checked out?

6. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of The Dead – “Relative Ways,” from Source Tags and Codes

Never has a band so scarily named been so not scary. Except maybe The Insane Clown Posse. Speaking of--

7. cLOUDDEAD – “Pop Song,” from Ten

True or false, Mixees:

Insane Clown Posse + Angelo Badalamenti = Clouddead?

8. Red House Painters – “Cabezon,” from Ocean Beach

I have a friend who, just before making sweet love to a young woman, put on some Red House Painters to set the mood. Right away the girl asked that he play something else. “I used to date Mark Kozelek,” she explained, “and well, it’s just hard to hear his music now.”

I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, only with Kofi Annan.

9. Nilsson, Harry – “Mr. Bojangles,” from Harry

Man, Nilsson. I love him. Saffron/Nilsson in the ’06.

10. Luna – “Beautiful View,” from Pup Tent

I think if Luna ever had a chance at a hit single, it was with this song. That said, I never, ever heard them play it live. Why was that? Were they ashamed? Disappointed? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Not, “what can I do to resolve the crisis in Lebanon,” or anything like that. Speaking of Lebanon, I’m tired. Good night.